Halt! You Dogs! Runneth Nolongereth

As many are surmising, the Republican ranks are in quite a frenzy. It is looking quite likely that the conservative revolution, ushered in by Sir Reagan, is hitherto snuffed out. Though the trouble that seems to be brewing among these rabid dogs isn't merely the election of a seemingly more populous president (time will tell whether or not Obama slunks back into the conservative flow like Clinton did in the 90's); it is actually a matter of unitarian dysfunction. That is to say, the right-wing coalition that fueled the conservative revolution; witch doctors, zealots, and top-hats, are becoming unstuck to each other.

The first obvious problem that Republicans are having is that young people are turning more and more towards tolerance and progressive ideas. In other words, Republicans are dying off and being replaced by Democrats or other more left-wing elements. This is meant quite literally. Just look at the age demographics. This is why many Republicans have stated that they need a new face and a new direction for the party if they are to survive.

So what new faces? What new direction?

If this past election is any indication for the future of the Pubs, it is that they are cruisin' for a totally getting ripped apart from the inside out. The first clues were, of course, Gov. Palin. Even FOX news reported on the infighting going on (And remember, their "fair and balanced" team is much more unbiased than CNN's "no bias, no bull" reports . . . according to FOX news). The way I see it, the Pubs are about to have a falling out; a three-way breakup.

First, there are the Witch Doctors who don't really care that Gov. Palin isn't aware that Africa is a continent and not a country. Since Palin has all the right beliefs about God or Bog, feminists and those darn gays, and shooting wolves (since they eat what we like to kill), then she's their gal; she's got the moral values.

Next come the Top Hats. Now this group of conservatives are quite disturbed at the Palin influence in their ranks. This, more pragmatic group, which stands on the heads of poor people, have some problems with Witch Doctors. After all, I don't think Jesus will raise the stock market through fasting and prayer. They happen to care that Africa is a continent rather than a country. How can we exploit all these people around the world if we don't even understand basic geography?

The Zealots are the hardest group to analyze. There's really no telling which way they will float. They may drift either to the Witch Doctor side or the Top Hat side, but at this point, it is difficult to say which side is more American, so they will have to wait to see which side wins. (Which will tell them who is more pro-America).

It's a three way race to the finish! And I mean FINISH!!

My advice? All you Republicans out there need to find some unity. Enough of this infighting and tantrums over silly things, like facts. You need a unifier to take you into this new century with a resurgence greater than that of Sir Reagan of old . . .

Wait! I think I found him . . .